Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
