dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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