She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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