Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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