I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize