Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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