My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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