I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
