how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
