If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
