there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
