It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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