Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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