id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Vodka?
Forever.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
