My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
