Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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