she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
