I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
