My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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