I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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