My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
