Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
