Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
