Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
everyone is single if you try hard enough
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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