i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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