The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The air was thick with penises
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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