at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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