oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
