the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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