Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
