so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
