my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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