I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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