Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The uberlube is also flammable
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
