ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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