Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
