We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
All the doctor said was why
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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