all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
