3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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