I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
