So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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