hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this just has baby written all over it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize