i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
