we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
