The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
