I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
