My first STD was from a foam party
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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