if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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