my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize