I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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