so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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