I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
