My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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