I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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