my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize