I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone came in the potted fern
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
