Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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