my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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