Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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